They say a picture speaks volumes. Walking into my little girls’ room, and spotting her simple act of “tucking in” her toys… what a mother she will be someday. How powerful to know that she was knit together in my womb, to become a caring, generous, kind, and thoughtful little girl that would love so well. I pray for her constantly; that she would be the kind of woman that puts others first, cares for those in need, and sacrifices much for those she loves. How I hope and pray I lead by example. That the seemingly mundane tasks of laundry, naps, clean up and bedtime stories are not in vain. She is watching. She is learning. She is following. I already miss yesterday, and all the little moments I probably missed, and might never remember. It is so good to rest in the fact that God is good, and will lead me in love and truth as I strive to lead my children to Him. So easy to forget that this job is the greatest I will ever have. That their childhood memories, their worst and best days… will have been with me in them. That I can show them, through those mundane tasks, how to work hard, give generously, and love unconditionally. Jesus remind me of the little eyes watching; that kisses before bedtime, stories under the covers, and gentle prayers against their ears are far more important than I will ever realize.

Well it’s been a hot minute since I’ve shared anything here. Not gonna lie, I’ve been wrapped up in all that has happened in life since coming back to the States. I’ve been distracted and constantly thinking about the future. I’m pretty disappointed in myself for that. The Holy Spirit humbled me greatly in Swazi and I experienced Him in ways I have never experienced before. I long for that. I cry out to Jesus to give me those moments again. And still I can’t get to that place of feeling completely at peace. I miss the mornings where it was just me and my coffee and the Word (usually with good ole’ Hannah right across from me ❤️). So this morning I snuck away from little ones and opened to Romans 12:2. Wow. I can’t tell you how often I’ve read passages like this, and it still feels like I’m getting punched in the stomach when I read it. The MSG version puts it like this: “Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead fix your attention on God.” The Western culture says to live comfortably, mind your own business, and worry about yourself. God calls us to build relationships, to experience fellowship with others in the Church, to commit ourselves to Him. Rick Warren puts it beautifully in his book “The Purpose Driven Life”, “Jesus did not die on the cross just so we could live comfortable, well-adjusted lives. His purpose is far deeper, He wants to make us like Himself before He takes us to heaven. This is our greatest privilege, our immediate responsibility, and our ultimate destiny.”

I sat in awe of how awesome God is. He knew exactly what I needed to hear right now and put it on my heart to grab my Bible and book and read just a few pages. I haven’t been living in a way that shows others that there was a man who died for me, and I am indebted to Him forever. I’ve been living the “all about me life”, the “what to put on my wedding registry” life. Haha! I’m here to become more like Jesus before He takes me to my REAL home. How can I better do that? By studying and applying God’s Word in my life, by connecting with other believers (fellowship people! You cannot become more like Jesus in isolation) and trusting Him even in the most difficult circumstances. This is my destiny.

A lot happened in 2020. Back in January I was snorkeling in South Africa and screaming Siswati songs at the top of my lungs with a bunch of teenage girls. In February I was quarantined at the land, encountering cold showers with no privacy and black mambas slithering about. It remained like that throughout the rest of the summer months in Swaziland. In May, I had buckets of water poured over my head in honor of my 20th year on this earth. In June I mourned the reality that COVID had wiped out any chance I had of seeing my parents who were due to visit on a mission trip, and even more annoyed and stressed that my chances of returning home as planned in August were not promising. Jesus has constantly been teaching me lessons throughout this year. When I had the chance to come home in October I took it. 2 months later than I had hoped, but oh so worth the extra days with those 16 girls I call sisters. My first experiences back in the States weren’t as bad as everyone had warned me. I fell into big sister role again and worked alongside my mom (with a few tears here and there as I struggled through doing something ‘worth while’). I learned that, even though I’m not doing “ministry” 24/7 like I was in Swazi, I can still choose to live my life on mission. I can choose to grow in my relationship with Jesus, I can choose to set time aside for Him. I can choose to exhibit the fruits of the spirit. I’m not going to lie, I have failed at those things. It was so much easier to need and want Jesus and give Him my every waking moment when I had nothing else to do or no where else to go. November I convinced my parents to let me get a puppy, December I got engaged and spent way too much on Christmas presents. I tried on at least 10 wedding dresses in front of 3 of my best friends and found the one that made me smile and my mom cry. That was my 2020. It was filled with a lot of growth in my relationship with Christ. A lot of conflicting moments as I struggled with identity and trusting Jesus even in the midst of a pandemic. I want to experience just as much growth in 2021 as I did in 2020. I want to live every moment in light of eternity. If this year has taught me anything it’s that I don’t know the day or hour of my departure or Christ’s second arrival. I don’t know if today will be my last day to act justly, love mercy, or walk humbly. I don’t know what our world will look like by the end of 2021, but I know that I will pour my heart into the things that matter. That’s my New Year’s Resolution. To pour out my time and energy on the things that make God smile. Let that be our goal this new year. That in whatever we do, we strive to live and act in ways that are pleasing to our Maker. Things that make Him smile.

I look at this and see a girl who loves the people who love her back. Who constantly reminds herself that Jesus loves her more than anyone else could ever love her. I see bright eyes that light up when she even says the name of Jesus and complete confidence in Him. How is that possible? How can a 3 year old just rest in the fact that Jesus loves us so much that He died for us and that’s that? It blows my mind how simple faith really is. Love Him back, confess, and repent. I’ve made following Jesus hard this past month. I’ve busied myself with life at home that Jesus and God’s Truth have been swept under the rug. Still there, but unseen. Last night, even though I really just wanted to climb into bed and close my eyes, I read the Word to remind myself of His great love, of His desire for us to desire the things of Heaven. Then I read a letter one of the girls had written to me before I left Swazi, she wrote,

“It’s not all about you, life is temporary, so do things that will make God smile whenever He looks at you because soon you will be gone to where you belong.”

I love how the Holy Spirit works through each of us to encourage one another. I so needed these words to be spoken to me, and there they were, written on paper by a girl thousands of miles away that had no idea how much the Holy Spirit truly is working in and through her. Do things that make God smile every second of your life here on earth. Not just at church. Not just at work. Everywhere, all the time. Life is temporary, Heaven is eternal. The choices and things I choose to spend my time, money, and energy on here will have eternal implications. We are told to cast out all anxiety. Because anxiety is simply just worrying about what we don’t know. That’s not faith. That’s not trusting that Jesus knows all, sees all and will bring us through it all. I want to be more like the little one in the picture. I want to run into Jesus’ love and hold tightly to it. I want to trust Him in all things, not just in the little things. I want to stand on the top of the mountain, with my arms spread wide, when I finally finish this race, not because I did it, but because it’s by God grace and strength and patience in my life that I made it through every valley. To Him be all the glory.

The first day of 2020, before COVID radically changed my routine and plans in Swazi, I stood in a circle holding hands with 20+ girls as we all shared our “word” for 2020. Usually when I’m put on the spot like that my mind goes blank, and I end up making something up. But the word “Reliance” rang through my mind as I listened to all the other girls share theirs. Reliance. I wanted so badly to rely more fully and completely on Jesus. Not on my own plans, not on a future career, not on a close family member or friend, not on the comfort and pleasures all the world, especially the United States, has to offer. No, I wanted to rely more on the One who created me, the One who foresaw all my sin and said, “I still love you, I’ll still die for you.” Little did I know that God was planning to put me to the test just 2 months later, when COVID affected all my plans. Those months in quarantine, and the uncertainty that followed it, helped me to truly rely more on Jesus. More on His plan and purposes. I learned to rely on Him to comfort me when I was lonely, to keep me strong when poor decisions and heartbreak was taking place back home, and to provide for me in whatever was going to happen next. Man, God never ceases to amaze me. How incredible it is to worship and praise the One True God, who surpasses all understanding. Never will I tire of witnessing His grace, goodness, provision, and miracles.

I have loved building friendships, having really awesome conversations about Jesus and faith, experiencing God at work, and growing in my own faith. And now, for the news friends… I was able to get a flight back to the States at the beginning of October! I am beyond excited to be reunited with family and friends and cannot wait to share all that God has been teaching me. As exciting as it is to think about going “home”, I know how hard it is going to be for both me and the girls to leave Swaziland. A few months back I had shared with the girls something I had been reading about in my personal devotions, it had been discussing the topic of Heaven being our true home and how we are called to be “Christ’s Ambassadors ”. I belong to the Kingdom of Heaven. That is my true home. I have never felt fully satisfied here on this earth, and it’s because I’m not meant to be. This place isn’t my home. I don’t belong here. As a child of the King, I’m made for more. It had got me thinking about the mixed emotions I have felt for Swaziland and the U.S. (my “home”). I have served here and given my all, while also knowing that this country is not my home. I realized that I needed to treat the U.S. the way I treat Swaziland. Serve well, love people, don’t worry about the little things, pray about every decision and invite the Lord into all situations I face, while awaiting and longing for home at the same time. My real home. Heaven. I needed to long for Heaven the way I longed for the U.S. So yes, I may be coming “home” to a big Schoolhouse with about the same amount of people I was living with in Swaziland (with a little less estrogen 😉) but I’m going to treat it as I treated my year in Swazi. Awaiting something better, and in the meantime, allowing the Holy Spirit to live out my life for God’s glory. In everything I do, whether on a mission trip, or right in my own home, I’m going to do it all for the glory of my God and King.

It has been a little over a year (I know, it’s crazy) since I left the States for Eswatini (Swaziland). Here is a glimpse of what God has been teaching me these last 365+ days.

Short answer: It was life-changing. It radically changed the way I see Jesus and serve not only others, but Him. The entire trip helped me to see how much I need Jesus, I learned that only He satisfies; I experienced His fullness & “Yada” love in Swazi.

Long answer: (and the answer you’ll want to read) 😉 The people & culture of Eswatini have shaped my character, my confidence, and the way I view and value relationships. I learned to hold fast to my word and promises, because, heck, those girls can recall something you promised them MONTHS ago that simply slipped your mind, and they’ll still expect you to fulfill. I witnessed demon possession and oppression myself for the first time. I learned more about the power of my God. How He protects and shields. I discovered that my faith must be mine. Not anyone else’s. I have to choose Jesus daily, take up my cross, endure suffering, count it all joy, DAILY. I learned how to not waste my life. I’ve spent too many years wasting precious time. Time I could have spent loving more and hating less, forgiving instead of holding a grudge, speaking out instead of going with the crowd, serving instead of self-serving. Too many years of bending to the world, saying “yes” to sin, worrying and planning instead of praying and trusting. I was living for me last August. This year, I’m living for Jesus. “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” God revealed things to me about myself I never took the initiative to look at myself. My pride, my selfishness and my need to take control. God shook me in Eswatini. He showed me my great wealth in Him. I have hope. I know who satisfies. I’m not alone. Even when so far from family, I felt at peace with the one who was always beside me. I felt at home. I finally understood what it was like to have a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus. At the beginning of my time here I shared that I didn’t know why God brought me here. I didn’t see the eternal impact I was making. That’s where I went wrong. I was only thinking about me; what I could do. I learned that I can do nothing apart from the Holy Spirit. Without God already at work around me. I didn’t make an eternal impact, but the Holy Spirit did, and part of me thinks that impact took place in me. The Holy Spirit had an eternal impact on me. If this was all for my Spirit’s growth and a Yada relationship with you LORD; thank you. It was so worth it. God pulled me from family & friends and comfort. He pushed me to love even when it’s hard, even when you don’t feel loved back. He showed me just how badly I need Him, how badly I now crave Him. All glory be to the One who calls me to follow Him, serve Him, and worship Him.

As I wrote this title I immediately could here my dad’s voice singing, “What is love? Baby don’t hurt me…”, in my head. But seriously, what is love?

Biblically, love is more than just a feeling, it is a choice. We must choose to love our neighbor as ourself, even if they aren’t on “our side”. Jesus’ parable of the Good Samaritan could not have been a better example of what real love looks like. With all the hate that is being spread right now in the U.S., we as believers need to take a hard look at this reminder Jesus has given us, and choose to love, with a sacrificial love, those who oppose us. Samaritan’s were hated by Jews. I think it’s safe to say we all would rather walk past someone in need of help who HATES us. But that’s the world’s idea of love. Giving of yourself only when it will benefit you in return. That kind of love doesn’t earn you any crowns in eternity. That kind of love won’t fill you up and give you joy unending. If God Himself loved by the worlds’ standards, we wouldn’t be a forgiven, redeemed, and chosen people. He loves with a love that is incomprehensible. Unimaginable. Too vast and wide and deep for us to understand. So often I get caught up in all the other fruits of the spirit, thinking I don’t need to work on love because that’s easy. When in reality, love is the one I need to work on the most. Love those who persecute you. Love those who disagree with you. Love those who shame you. Love those who ignore you. Love them, not because you might get recognition, not because it’s beneficial to you; but because Jesus loves them. And we are called to be “imitators of Christ”. So what is love really?

Love is sacrificial, love keeps no record of wrongs, love does not boast or envy, love reaches out to the outcast, love looks past the division and pain, love remains steadfast when relationships get rocky. Love is emotional intimacy. Love, is Jesus in disguise.

I feel like I’ve given God a lot this year. These past few months have been filled with, “Here God, you can have this too.” But I wasn’t saying, “Here God, you can have it ALL.” That’s where I’ve fallen short. I’ve given God my relationships. My earthly hopes and dreams. My time and space. My decisions, thoughts and actions. To say the least, I felt pretty good about myself and my ability to give God control over “most” of my life. Right when I thought I had given Him all He wanted, He reminded me of my selfishness and desire to know it all. To have a plan. Ha! A plan? Seriously Amelia? You’re making plans when you don’t even know what tomorrow holds. But God knows. He knew COVID would affect my plans to go home in August. He knew I needed this whole trip and experience to realize just how much of my life I was holding back from Him. I’m sorry Jesus that I haven’t given you every burden. I’m sorry I haven’t given you my future. I’m sorry I haven’t given you the here and now. Coming from the Western world, we are all too quick to set a date, make plans, book a ticket; when we don’t even know what the next hour holds. With borders and airports closed, I’ve been as anxious as ever to go home. To fix this so I can go through with my plan to be here only a year. I can try to make excuses of being anxious, like, “oh, but money, God? I don’t have the resources to stay here longer.” When in reality, I’m just a little irritated that things aren’t going the way I expected. Which means I’ve been thinking a whole lot about me and not about God and His Will. You can have it all Lord. Take this next year, take my future, make Your desires and hopes my desires and hopes. That I would remember that all of this, the breath in my lungs, the place I’m at, the people I’m with, it’s all for You. Here’s to trusting you with whatever’s next. For praising you and pursuing you even when things are unexpected and for acknowledging your provision when times are good. I love you. I’m here, I’m listening, and I’ll take risks for you. Bring it on.

I’ve been reading John Piper’s, Don’t Waste Your Life, and let me tell ya, wow. Huge shoutout to dad for recommending. I’m a huge fan of paperback and dog-eared pages, but since my two 50 lb suitcases couldn’t fit every book in the world (unfortunately) I have to be reading them on my kindle. Thank you Amazon for the highlight feature. I have every other sentence highlighted. Haha! Oops. 🤭

I love how God uses the words of those who chase after Him daily to bring me to my knees in submission. To give me the strength to move forward with the things He’s put on my heart. Lately, Piper has been talking about Paul’s words in Philippians, “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” If we are suppose to be glorifying God with our lives, how can we do that if our greatest gain is death? Here’s the answer: death is a gain to Christians because it means we will enter eternity and be with Jesus forever! There is nothing greater than that. We have to learn how to die in order to know how to live. To live. To live is Christ. What Paul is saying here is that living is FOR Christ. To bring Him glory and exalt in Him. To find our greatest joy (“to count it all joy”) in Him. When my day comes to die I want to feel joy and peace in leaving this world, because the best is still yet to come. I’m awaiting eternity with my King. So while I live, with death in mind; not as a thing to be dreaded or feared, but something to await in anticipation and joy when it does come; I will do it all to exalt, lift, bring glory and magnify the name of Christ Jesus. I will boast in only this: the cross and the work done on Calvary. Because by His blood I am healed, forgiven and given blessing upon blessing. For me, Amelia, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

“Thanks for coming here to Swaziland. You left your beloved family and came to people you didn’t even know, you didn’t know how they were going to welcome you. You left behind the fun memories that you would have had with your friends and relatives. As young as you are it is hard to surrender everything to God while the world has surrounded us with things that will tempt us to forget about God. Concentrate on Him. Wow, how brave are you to leave even your loved ones and come to us, if it was me I wouldn’t be able to leave my family and friends and come to Swaziland. Always know that I love you ❤️ and more than that there is someone who loves you more than me and that person is God.”

I’ve been thinking about my time here and how it is coming to a close… it’s hard to imagine that I’ve been here for nearly a year, time really does fly. One of the girls wrote me the message above only a few weeks into teaching last year. I read it whenever I feel like I don’t belong here. When I miss home and question what this is all for. This sweet girl. She saw from the very beginning the leap of faith I took. I am so glad I did. I’m so glad I said yes to Jesus when He said, “go there.” I knew coming into this I’d miss home and the people who make up that home. What I didn’t know is that I’d also call Swaziland home. I didn’t know I’d look at these 16 girls and think, “these are my sisters” or look at our aunties and think of them as moms. Jesus is doing something incredible here. He’s revealing himself in the girls lives as he draws them closer to himself. He’s revealing himself in the literal storm raging outside right now. He’s revealing himself in the way he has provided for Hosea’s Heart. This morning, as the girls did a prayer walk, I read Revelation 1-2, and a part stood out to me. Jesus is encouraging and correcting the 7 churches and he says after each message to them, “anyone who has ears to hear must listen to the Spirit.” Despite the fact that I have ears, I don’t always listen to what the Spirit is asking of me. We all slip up. But it was a reminder to me that I am called to be obedient. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be fruitful. It will be worth it. If I hadn’t listened to the Spirit this time last year, I wouldn’t be quarantined in Swaziland with a bunch of girls. I wouldn’t have learned each of their names or gotten to know their personalities. The girl who wrote me and encouraged me above would have never known I existed. I wouldn’t have grown in the ways I have, because I have experienced things here that I would never have dreamed of experiencing back home. Yes, being obedient is hard. For me, it meant missing Hannah’s graduation, missing out on the first 6 months of Phoebes’ life, missing Silas accepting Jesus (PRIASE JESUS!), missing out on family adventures and memories that they will laugh about around the dinner table someday, things I would not have been apart of. I missed out on one life to join and be apart of another. Like so many people have said during these last few months of chaos… one thing is constant in it all, and that’s Jesus. My siblings have grown and changed, I have grown and changed, the girls here have even grown and changed since last August, but Jesus? Nah. He’s still my comforter, my protector, and my Father. He has not left me or forgotten about me, which is so easy to feel like when there is an 8 hour time difference between you and those you love. He’s still Him. I can count on that. Jesus, even when it’s hard, I want to have ears to hear and listen to the Advocate’s leading. I’ve experienced the blessings that come from that obedience. Give everyone else the courage to listen too.